When we last left off I was in a state of disarray to say the least. I’m still not fully compesmentus but I’d like to say some things are deffo clearer. Although, some are certainly more murky. After a week of semi-suggestive messages and daily phone calls I think I’m developing more feelings that I want to. For sure, more than I want to admit to myself. And for sure more than is being reciprocated. I know what I want to do, I know what I want him to do but I’m also trying to be super realistic and not get my expectications up.
Having just re-read the last post, I feel I need to fill in some blanks. As it stands, I’m divorced and living with my ex-husband in what was our marital home. We’ve had it on and off the market for 2 years and were very close to selling it at one point but currently we’ve no offers, plenty of viewings but no real interest. We live separate lives, like flatmates or siblings. I’ve gotten over the whole break-up and betrayal side of things and I now I really just pity the man. He’s not a bad person, just made stupid choices and is trying to come to terms with those stupid choices.
I’ve said before that we hadn’t been intimate for a long time and I think that’s what caused him to look elsewhere for that kind of attention. He landed on an old friend from home of his, no pun intended, and became a father in July 2025. They were an item, as far as I was aware, all the way through to the birth of his daughter and then things went south. I don’t know how much they see each other or how much they communicate but I do know he financially supports Sarah and baby. I’m not saying that’s the right way or wrong way, it’s just the way it is. Everyone’s set up is different, everyone’s needs and wants and support system is different. Recently he’s been spending more time at the house during the week and the weekend he’s not working, he’s down with friends and family in Kent. Needing to be in Essex when he’s working really just means that I need to make myself scarce for my own sanity. Hence why I’m currently in Suffolk, having a coffee and typing away in a farm cafe. I have to say though, they do a good flat white.
Back to this week! It’s been a mammoth week at work, in such a good way I can almost see the end of the tunnel we’ve been in for months. The team is expanding and growing, we’re learning together and we’re making a real change. There’s plenty of joking me a building an empire but ngl, I kinda am. And it’s bloody awesome. It’s also kept my mind off other things.
There’s still the daily evening phone calls and one particular one ended in a innuendo regarding stress relief. Obvs I took this to mean “omg he’s thinking about me in that way” which was only magnified the next day when he texted if I had a happy ending to my day. There was a couple of messages back and forth but that evening call yielded nothing but the usual friendly convo. All I really want is another night like we had, another drunken mistake where things go further, another night of laughs and banter and just genuinely good company. I need to tell him this but I can’t just blurt it out, but neither of us are good at getting to the topic we actually want to talk about.
He’s got this project that he needs help with. My help. It doesn’t have to be my help but he’s asked me. I mean what could I say other than Yes?! He’s great at working things out, at finding a solution to a problem but he’s not the most tech savvy. He’s a proper one finger typer but could tell you all the sensor placements in a circuit board he worked on 3 years go. He’s gone and bought some new kit and has asked for some help setting it up. I’m more than happy to oblige but there are so many questions to the situation. He called up Monday morning for a general chat, love a morning chat, and it was all very pleasant “how was your weekend” type stuff. I then called in the evening, unusual but I needed some cheering up after a particularly unproductive day. He just throws out there “Do you want to come over on Wednesday and help me set this up?” and obviously I’m like “Yeah of course” and I think I said something like at the yard or something as in my head he was talking about going to his workplace. The more I thought about it that evening, the more I was thinking I was wrong. Shocker, I know. I spent so much of the evening cogitating on his inflection, his tone, his exact words. The conclusion me and my brain came to is that I need to ask him. Just a quick text like “did you mean Bury or Braintree last night?” or “when you say your place, where do you mean?”. However, as previously stated, I am a coward. I’ll wait for the evening call and find a roundabout way to ask him. Or just blurt it out as he’s saying goodbye. Either way works.
I still don’t want a relationship, I don’t want a dependant, I don’t want a partner. I just want to feel like I’m wanted. Doesn’t everyone?
